A SAFE SPACE FOR YOUR FEELINGS, JUDGMENT, PAIN AND OPINION

A LOVINGLY BOLD CLAIM:

Dear colleague, your feelings are in the room. Yes, with every client. And if you are differently gendered, they are likely fairly complex. Now all the fancy experts in Vienna may have insisted that we call 911 the second we feel anything other than neutral in session…but what if we tried something different? What if we assumed we have judgments, opinions and feelings because we are human beings and not be afraid or alarmed by this? We are brilliantly skilled in not allowing any of these to influence our conversations and support of our clients. For good reason. But dear colleague, in here, you are completely safe in being able to say “ I have feelings about all they/he says in session”. In fact, in here, it is helpful to acknowledge that.

As therapists, we get front-row seats to how a person thinks, feels, understands and shows up in their world. Sometimes, those front row seats also show us our own pain and sometimes we don’t like what we see. Or we get it. but have our triggers that warrant attention. Whether the person on your couch reminds you of the parent that never approved of you, speaks in ways that you don’t agree with or is simply existing in a world that doesnt allow them to see the impact on others…my hope is that in here, you allow yourself to see that it is okay to have convoluted, messy feelings and thoughts about your work with him/them. This doesn’t make you any less brilliant of a therapist. This doesn’t make your client any less human either. All this means, is we are looking at a beautifully intricate space between you two, where there is more occurring than what is being said in session. If we allow ourselves to look at this, this space can truly not only enhance your work with him, but allow you to feel transformed, lighter and and connected as a therapist-client duo like no other.

None of our grad schools spent enough time on two things: a) The beauty of countertransference b) Working with men. And here we are, confronted with both. Take a deep breath, you have done nothing wrong. In fact, acnknowledging this alchemy of being a therapist, a human, a person with their own trauma, someone impacted by patriarchy etc is what is “right”. What is likely missing, is a path through this tangle. There is no path because this is in fact, a road less-traveled.
I have created a path through the trenches of countertransference with male clients because I realized not only was it needed, but this experience was unavoidable.
If you find yourself secretly struggling with a client or many clients, in this way…we can spend some time moving through it together. This is not therapy and this is not case consultation- it is conversation that comes with safety and freedom for two colleagues to look at what is often brushed under the rug.

That pit in your stomach when a session with him rolls around, the sigh you let out once it ends or the sleeplessness and imposter syndrome you feel the night before…are all here for excellent reason. Or perhaps you state you don’t work with men but internally dont feel great about this.
Together, we will find that reason, identify what to do with this experience before you and then move forward in a way that YOU feel completely comfortable and at peace with.

Your feelings are in the room.
They matter. You matter.
Working through this is a win for your growth and a win for the lucky client who gets to have you as his therapist.